Here is another snippet from the Friendship chapter of a book that I am currently working on. Enjoy. God Bless, Orrin Woodward

True friends begin as companions, but soon go further, developing a love and respect for one another. Author Fred Smith shares a poignant description of love, “Love is willing the ultimate good for the other person.”  Only deep friendship will build loving bonds of this magnitude. C.S. Lewis shares the process of discovery from companions into friends, “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one’. . . In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? – Or at least, ‘Do you care about the same truth?’ The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our Friend. he need not agree with us about the answer.”  There is an indescribable joy in the discovery of, and being discovered by, another human being, providing a brief respite from the loneliness of life. Emerson pinpointed the thought, writing, “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”  Aristotle distinguishes between genuine friendship and two other counterfeit types – one founded upon utility, the other upon pleasure. Friendship based solely upon utility, like the mailman, survive only as long as both parties receive benefit, while a friendship based only upon pleasure, like golfing buddies, end when one party no longer finds the activity pleasurable.

Genuine friendship, on the other hand, is based upon something more enduring, according to Aristotle, “It is those who desire the good of their friends for the friends’ sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality.”  Genuine friendship then, will last as long as both parties remain committed to virtue, since virtue desires good for his friends as much as for himself.  But virtue does’t signify lack of fun.  The best of friends laugh often and heartily.  Just as one can tell a man’s character by his ability to laugh at himself, so in a friendship, one can tell the quality of friends by their ability to laugh at each other.  Not a derisive or condescending laughter, but simply one that acknowledges the imperfections inherent in the human condition. Any person or friendship that cannot laugh at itself isn’t real. True friends enjoy one another’s company.  When a person finds someone, who can help him become better while enjoying fellowship, he is on his way to developing a true friend. Each person should be this type of friend and seek a friend of this caliber, in order to fully enjoy life’s experiences during his pilgrimage on earth.

True friends give the most when they receive the least – Orrin Woodward

Friendships are not what they used to be. The quality and quantity of friends, according to the 2006 study of the American Sociological Review, is declining.  In the study, 1,467 people were surveyed and compared to data collected 19 years ago.  The data found the average number of people with whom Americans can discuss matters of importance had dropped by nearly one-third, from 2.94 people in 1985 to 2.08 in 2004. Lynn Smith-Lovin, one of the authors, a Professor of Sociology at Duke University, stated, “”The evidence shows that Americans have fewer confidants and those ties are also more family-based than they used to be. This change indicates something that’s not good for our society. Ties with a close network of people create a safety net. These ties also lead to civic engagement and local political action.” The study also revealed that the number of people who have no one with whom to discuss important matters more than doubled, to nearly 25% of survey respondents.  Another of the report’s findings was the percentage of people who talk only to family members about important matters increased from about 57 percent to about 80 percent, while the number of people who depend totally on their spouse has increased from about 5 percent to about 9 percent.  To summarize, both family and non-family confidants dropped over the 19 year period, but the most significant loss was in non-family connections – friends.  Sociologists believe the “discussion networks,” a person’s friends and family, to be an important social resource, providing encouragement, counseling, and support in people’s lives. Some may argue that FaceBook or Twitter connects people in “discussion networks,” but the high-tech world will never replace the warmth of high-touch relationships.  In fact, Robert Putnam, in his seminal work, Bowling Alone, ask, “What is the single most common finding from half a century of research on the correlates of life satisfaction?” His extensive research can be summarized in one sentence, “that happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of one’s social connections.”  C.S. Lewis described the change in the value of friendship, writing, “To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few ‘friends.’ But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceships which those who make it would describe as ‘friendships,’ show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philia which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia on which Cicero wrote a book. It is something quite marginal; not a main course in life’s banquet; a diversion; something that fills up the chinks of one’s time.”  Sadly, if true happiness is based upon a person’s friends and social connections, then the future of the Western world is dismal at best.  But perhaps, with a little self-discipline and character development, the principles of true friendship can be restored, turning the tide of Western decline.

Here is a portion of an article that I wrote on the friendship between J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis.  The full article is on the password side of the TEAM blog.  I hope that you learn and grow from the true story. Enjoy. God Bless, Orrin Woodward

Ethan Gilsdorf studied extensively the unique friendship between the two authors, writing, “Intellectually, they craved each other’s companionship. But their relationship had emotional depth as well. They bonded over their harrowing experiences in the trenches of World War I. They shared the loss of their parents, which they had both endured as children. Sorrow over their pasts and their retreat from modernity gave them no where to go but their imaginations. They lost themselves in anachronistic tales and created make-believe places — engaging in what today we might disparagingly call “escapism.” Of course, the realms of Lewis’ Narnia and Tolkien’s Middle-earth are fraught with troubles, wars, and imperfections, at least as much as our so-called real world.”   The two authors made each other better, maintaining a close relationship for well over a decade despite major differences in temperaments.  Lewis was socially extroverted, outgoing and voluble, developing friends across the world with his professional achievements in books and broadcasting, reaching the pinnacle of worldly success in 1947, when he graced the cover of Time magazine.  Tolkien, on the other hand, was socially introverted, being reserved and quiet spoken.  Despite his professional competence, writing ground breaking essays on Beowulf and translating many early Anglo-Saxon works, Tolkien did not achieve the same level of professional fame as his younger cohort in his lifetime.  Compounding this frustration, Tolkien’s peers, his professorial colleagues at Oxford, unable, or unwilling, to recognize the genius of his Middle earth creation, ridiculed Tolkien’s second life of wizards, dragons and rings, denigrating him, and his work by asking, “How is your hobbit?”  At the same time, Lewis’s second life was readily accepted, opening up doors for Lewis wherever he turned. His Christian sermons were entertaining, informative, and thought provoking, not to mention highly popular.  In fact, by the 1940s, between his BBC broadcasts and his best selling Screwtape Letters, Lewis was a bonafide international figure.  By the time the first Chronicles of Narnia book was released in 1950, fueling his fame even further, Lewis easily eclipsed, at least at the time, the success of his friend Tolkien. In hindsight, there were several unaddressed issues that led to their friendship thaw.  The first issue was Lewis’s meteoric rise to success, forcing Lewis to divide his time between his many interests, reducing the quality and quantity of time he could spend with Tolkien. The second issue, Tolkien’s twinge of jealousy, arose when he compared his monumental efforts and moderate successes, with his friends seemingly moderate efforts and monumental successes. Sadly, with a little more understanding and communication on Lewis’s part, plus a willingness on Tolkien’s to discuss his hurts openly, the friendship could have, and should have, thrived through the changing seasons of life.

What makes the poison of unaddressed jealousy so damaging to friendships, is that its acids are poured directly onto the roots of the relationship.  Tolkien, by nature, was not a jealous man, but he valued Lewis’s fellowship so greatly, that when fame pulled on his friend’s time, a silent, subtle, but all pervasive hurt, corroded the bonds that bind.  Tolkien, the introvert, was troubled because he no longer had Lewis’s undivided attention.  But Lewis, the extrovert, was overjoyed his new celebrity status, making new friends everywhere he went.  By the time Lewis had departed Oxford, accepting a Chair of Literature at Cambridge, the two friends were speaking less regularly than probably either preferred.  Time and distance, plus the unspoken hurts had tempered their fruitful collaborations.  What the differences in beliefs, personalities, and opinions could not do to them, cause a crack in the relationship; the move to Cambridge, Lewis’s new friends, and his subsequent marriage did do to them, ripping apart the unity that had made them the best of friends.  Fueling the stress, and further dividing the friendship, was Lewis’s prodigious book writing exploits, he literally completed the seven book Narnia series in seven years, a torrid pace, writing a book per year!  Tolkien, in contrast, toiled for over seventeen years on the Lord of the Rings, rewriting it numerous times, in the pursuit of perfection, working tirelessly with no applause before releasing it.  Eventually, the world would learn of Tolkien’s remarkable gifts, just as it had learned of Lewis’s previously, but sadly, it was too late to repair the frayed friendship. The Lord of the Rings became the fourth best selling book series of all-time, topping Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, the fifth best selling series. Lewis would not have been surprised, having predicted his friends success many years before, he wrote in 1954, “This book is like lightning from a clear sky. It represents “the conquest of new territory.” In a letter written to a friend, Lewis shared that the book “would inaugurate a new age.”  But Tolkien, having swallowed the  poison of his own pain, began to believe that Lewis didn’t like his work, writing in 1967, four years after his friends death, “To tell the truth, [Lewis] never really liked hobbits very much.”   Tolkien had grossly misread his friend, nothing could have been further from the facts, as Lewis was enthralled by the Lord of the Rings series, believing in Tolkien and his fantasy fiction years before anyone else had heard of Middle earth, being one of the first people to recognize Tolkien’s genius.

Duriez, in an article he wrote on Tolkien and Lewis, discussed a 1964 letter, where Tolkien described his friendship with Lewis, writing, “‘We saw less and less of one another after he came under the dominant influence of Charles Williams,’ a writer who Tolkien perceived as a wedge between himself and Lewis, ‘and still less after his very strange marriage.’ That marriage was to Joy Gresham, unacceptable to Tolkien because she was divorced and American. Though Tolkien later called Lewis ‘his closest friend from about 1927 to 1940,’ by the early 1950s, their friendship had soured.”  For fourteen years, two men were best friends, leading to two of the most prolific and productive works in the written history of mankind.  When Lewis accepted the Chair of Medieval and Renaissance Literature at Cambridge in 1954, a position that Tolkien ironically helped him obtain, the fire of friendship smoldered through lack of oxygen, though the remaining embers burned for the rest of their lives.  Lewis leaving Oxford was similar to Frodo leaving the Shire, choosing the adventure of unknown in the Undying Lands, rather than the peace and security of the comfortable Shire.

“But I thought you were going to enjoy the Shire, too, for years and years, after all you have done,” said Sam, choking on his tears.

Frodo looking at Sam resolutely replied: “So I thought too, once. But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam.”

Like Frodo, both Lewis and Tolkien were hurt, carrying the unresolved pain to their graves, apparently missing each other dearly, but unwilling to resolve the issues.  Near the beginning of their cooling off period, in 1949, Lewis had reached out to Tolkien, writing, “I miss you very much,” but it didn’t lead to reconciliation and an end to the self imposed separation.  When Tolkien heard of Lewis’s passing in 1963, he wrote to his daughter that it “feels like an axe-blow near the roots.”  Summing up the good with the bad, there are few, if any, friendships in recorded history, that have had as great an impact on both friends as Lewis and Tolkien did on each other.  Reflecting upon their lives, the two Oxford professors accomplished what they set out to achieve, creating a lasting legacy through mutually loving, respecting and encouraging one another, utilizing the gifts given to them by the Author of all gifts, fulfilling their God given purposes.  The world is a better place today, because on a spring day in 1926, two professors met and became inseparable friends, providing the oxygen to each other, lighting the fire within one another, setting the world afire with that flame, leaving stories of faith, hope, and redemption as their lasting legacy.

C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, both Oxford professors, members of the Inklings club, and two of the best selling authors of all time, are a powerful example of the impact friends can have upon one another. The encouragement and belief, that each had for the other, at a time when both were little known professors, led to one of the most fruitful friendships of all time.  In fact, in a recent survey of the top five selling books of all time, Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series was number four, and right behind it, was Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia set, an impressive accomplishment for two best friends in the Oxford literature department.  The total sales for the Lord of the Ring series currently stands at over 200 million books sold, while the movie trilogy has surpassed box office revenues of over $3 billion.  Lewis’s Narnia series, weighs in at over 150 million books sold along with just under $2 billion in movie sales, with several more movies in the the series still to be produced .  When the staggering totals are added together, it brings the grand total from these two creative geniuses, to over 350 million books sold and nearly $5 billion in sales.  Pretty impressive numbers for two professor in Oxford, who on a whim formed the Inklings, the informal club that inspired each of them through the encouragement and feedback received. Warren Lewis, C.S.’s brother and a member of the club, said, “Properly speaking, the Inklings was neither a club nor a literary society, though it partook of the nature of both. There were no rules, officers, agendas, or formal elections.”   Although informal, the members, typically ten or less, perfected their craft by reading to one another their latest works.  Both Lewis and Tolkien relished the time invested in each other, meeting twice a week for the club, and Tolkien visiting Lewis a third day of the week for one on one discussions.  It’s hard to fathom a more productive friendship.  That two of the top five selling books of all-time, were birthed from a friendship begun in 1926, nurtured through association at the Inkling’s club, and fueled by constant encouragement and belief in another, displays the amazing power inherent in a synergistic friendship.

Christian History managing editor Chris Armstrong interviewed Colin Duriez, the author of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis: The Gift of Friendship, a fascinating read on their relationship.  Armstrong was seeking the keys to the powerful influence that each had with the other, he asked Duriez, “You have said that if it hadn’t been for the friendship between Tolkien and Lewis, the world would likely never have seen The Narnia Chronicles, The Lord of the Rings, and much else. What was it about “fairy stories” that led these two men to want to rehabilitate them for a modern audience—adults as well as children?”  Duriez answered, “They had both personal and professional reasons for this interest. Personally, they had both read and enjoyed such stories as they were growing up, in collections by the brothers Grimm, Andrew Lang, and others. Lewis had also heard Celtic myths—his nurse had told him some of the folk tales of Ireland. Professionally, they studied and taught the literatures of medieval romance and, in Tolkien’s case, the background of Norse myth. And they realized that it was only quite recently that such stories had become marginalized as “children’s stories.” Through much of history these were tales told and enjoyed by grown-ups. Even strong warriors enjoyed them, rejoicing in their triumphant moments, weeping at tragic turns of events. These stories told them important things about life—about who they were and what the world was like, and about the realm of the divine. It dawned on both men that there was a need to create a readership again for these books—especially an adult readership.”   Two men, in academic positions, with no financial backing or worldwide connections, but with an insatiable desire to balance reason and imagination through the power of myth within culture, started a revolution.  Both authors were greatly concerned with the rampant materialism of the modern age, believing it divided the mind humanity by separating man’s reason from his imagination.  Most professors, when confronted with this dilemma, would have expressed their concerns, folded their hands, doing nothing, but Tolkien and Lewis were not like most professors.

Duriez’s in his book, Tolkien and C. S. Lewis: The Gift of Friendship, recreated a dramatic scene, an discussion between Tolkien and Lewis, then two barely published authors, where the quest re-introduce imagination through fantasy and myth was born.  The two dreamers discussed the dearth of good fiction that captures the spirit of recovery and escape through the power of myth. After reviewing various authors and their works, Tolkien and Lewis develop a plan, a plan so audacious, it’s barely conceivable with the amount of time and effort that it would take, but the professors, not afraid of hard work, agreed to write fiction with a purpose, leading people to truth through the power of myth, aligning reason with imagination for the modern world. Duriez writes, “‘You know, Tollers,” Lewis says decisively, pipe in hand. “I’m afraid we’ll have to write them ourselves. We need stories like your Hobbit book, but on the more heroic scale of your older tales of Gondolin and Goblin wars. One of us should write a tale of time travel and the other should do space travel.’ Tolkien reminds his friend of a rather similar challenge well over a century ago—Lord Byron, at Lake Geneva in 1816, had challenged Percy Shelley and Mary Shelley to write a ghost story … and Mary, a mere girl at the time, went on to write Frankenstein. They needed, Tolkien continues, his eyes brightening, stories today that expose modern magic—the tyranny of the machine. ‘Let’s toss for it, Tollers. Heads, you write about time travel; tails, you try space travel. I’ll do the other.’ Tolkien nods his agreement, grinning. Lewis fishes in the pocket of his crumpled and baggy flannels and a coin spins in the air. ‘Heads it is.’  Lewis wrote many books besides Narnia, while Tolkien focused mainly on his Lord of the Rings classic, but in the end, both authors achieved fame through their fantasy fiction series of Narnia and Lord of the Rings.  The unknown authors of 1936, accomplished what they set out to do, creating fiction that captures profound realities of life that are impossible to capture in any other way.  In other words, good fiction reveals truths of life that real life cannot comprehend. The audacity of these two friends when they began this assignment was only surpassed by their inexperience.  History, it seems, displays that many great achievements are many times birthed by the optimistic amateurs rather than the pessimistic experts.

But the story of Tolkien and Lewis begins earlier, well before their life purpose filled discussions of 1936.  Back in 1931, on the nights of September 19th and 20th, Tolkien, Lewis, and Hugo Dyson walked down Addison’s Walk, on the grounds of Magdalen College, where Lewis surrendered his materialistic world-view for a Christian world-view and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Both Tolkien and Dyson were Christians, repeatedly pointing out the untenable position that Lewis had place himself in by separating reason from imagination in his materialistic position.   Author Ethan Gilsdorf shares his thoughts on the three friends discussion, writing, “”Myths are lies,” Lewis had said that night. “Myths are not lies,” Tolkien countered, among the swaying trees of Magdalen Grove. Materialistic progress leads only to the abyss, Tolkien said, but the myths we tell reflect a fragment of the true light. He argued the Christ story functions as a myth, just like the Scandinavian myths they had loved, with one difference: The Christian myth was true.  As the night wore on, Lewis began to see the hopeless divide in his materialistic mindset, leading to his conversion.  Duriez writes of the conversations on Addison’s Walk from Tolkien’s poem Mythopoeia (the making of myth), “Tolkien wrote of the human heart not being composed of falsehood, but having nourishment of knowledge from the Wise One, and still remembering Him. Though the estrangement is ancient, human being are neither completely abandoned by God nor totally corrupted. Though we are disgraced we still retain vestiges of our mandate to rule. We continue to create according to the ‘law in which we were made.’”  Lewis in his book Miracles, captures the essence of the conversations between Tolkien, Dyson and himself, “The heart of Christianity is a myth which is also a fact. The old myth of a Dying God, without ceasing to be myth, comes down from the heaven of legend and imagination to the earth of history. It happens – at at a particular date, in a particular place, followed by definable historical consequences. We pass from a Balder or an Osiris, dying nobody knows when or where, to a historical Person crucified (it is all in order) under Pontius Pilate. By becoming fact it does not cease to be myth: that is miracle. To be truly Christian we must both assent to the historical fact and also receive the myth (fact though it has become) with the same imaginative embrace which we accord to all myths.”  Lewis describes God as the storyteller who enters His own story, completing the work of redemption according to His plan, making all other stories and myths pale in comparison, since His story is myth made real in history by the birth of Christ.  Lewis discovered, for himself, the real reason why fantasy and myths move people, because they provide a foretaste of the greatest story, the true redemptive story, in the birth, the life, the death, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

The remaining portion of this article can be found on the password side of the TEAM website.  God Bless, Orrin Woodward

True friendship is a fine art.  When you find a true friend, a friend that will be there when the chicken hits the fan, be sure to count your blessings.  Many people will live their whole life with nothing more than acquaintances, rather than friendships.  Because friends respect one another, it naturally leads to leadership influence in respective areas of expertise.  In order to lead people properly, one must love the person, as a fellow human being, believing in his/her goals and dreams.  In other words, friendship must come before leadership, forming an authentic speed of trust relationship. Without love for people, leadership can quickly degrade into manipulation, causing damage to the leaders heart and the community’s future.  Chris Brady and I wrote an entire book on leadership, our #1 best seller, Launching a Leadership Revolution, a must read for anyone in the leadership field.  If you haven’t read that book, be sure to do so, because the principles taught here will come to life, at a new level, when combined with the LLR teachings.  

Before diving into the details of this chapter, let’s examine our hearts.  Why do you want to lead?  Do you care for the people or just the prestige associated with leadership?  Are you willing to sacrifice for the team when necessary?  Although there are many rewards for leaders, at the end of the day, leadership is about service to others, not about perks for self.  Leaders must love people and use things, not love things and use people. This is foundational for all long-term leadership, love is the glue that holds communities together during the struggles to success .  When a community doesn’t feel loved, believing they are just part of the machine, they will stay only for material rewards. In the past, that may have worked, but in today’s competitive marketplace, communities will surpass individuals every time.

Since friendship comes before leadership, let’s begin our study with the key principles to develop authentic friendships.  Remember, these are principles, not techniques, being more a matter of the heart than just the physical actions.  Applying the techniques, without the right heart, will come off as inauthentic, hurting the relationship.  But with the right heart, following the principles suggested, anyone can build relationships that will last a lifetime, leading to the joy associated with true fellowship, creating a foundation for leadership excellence.  When gathering with true friends for a night of fellowship, food, and fun, the laughter and learning brings happiness to all that are present, because the friendship is founded upon trust developed through proper application of the friendship principles.  Friends allow you to relax and be yourself, knowing that you will be loved, faults and all. If you want great friendships that will last a lifetime, then be a great friend first. There are several books that I recommend to help in becoming a true friend to others.  The first is Dale Carnegie’s classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People and the second is Les Giblin’s, How to Have Confidence and Power with People.  These two books did more for me, in relating to people, than any other people skills books.  With these books and the six principles that I am about to share, you will radically transform your relationships.

The first principle in developing healthy relationships is to learn that people are drawn to happy open people, not unhappy closed people.  By following the resolutions discussed previously in this book, one will find greater happiness in life.  Happiness isn’t something to be sought directly, but is found indirectly by applying personal discipline to a worthwhile goal or dream. Having a positive attitude is one of the quickest ways to draw people towards you.  Attitude is a magnet that draws or repels, depending upon whether it’s a positive or negative one.  Resolution #3 covers positive attitude and EQ, so I won’t go into much detail here, but refer back to it for further comments on attitude.  A second factor in drawing people to you is the power of a genuine smile.  Smiling is part of the universal language for the world,  communicating happiness and openness.  When traveling internationally, even when one doesn’t speak the language, a baby smiling can bring smiles and cheerfulness to all around them.  When people see you smile, it’s surprising how many people will smile right back at you. If you believe that you are happy, but aren’t smiling, please notify your face.

Another key to communicate openness and approachability is personal appearance.  How you dress and groom communicates to others how you feel about yourself.  Dress for success is more than just a catch phrase.  Grooming for success is just as important.  For example, if you have breath that would knockout a camel cold, get some breath mints, gum, or mouth wash.  Body odor is another quick way to communicate that you are unapproachable.  If they can’t get within ten feet of you without gasping, it might be difficult for you to nurture a longterm friendship.  First impressions, whether we like it or not, do have a huge impact on our ability to have a second impression.   Being approachable means that you attitude mentally, your smile and smells physically, and your looks aesthetically communicate friendliness to others.  If you are not sure how you are doing, ask your spouse or close friend.  Allow them to speak honestly, with the goal being to improve in openness and approachability.

The second principle in developing people skills is to take a genuine interest in others. What is a person’s favorite subject to talk about?  If you guessed themselves, then you just won the jackpot.  Friendships are based upon mutual interests, so learning about others interests is a key step in the process of nurturing relationships.  For example, a person’s name is sweet to their ears.  When you meet people, be sure to take the time to learn, and pronounce their name properly.  Even, if you have to ask them to repeat their name, they won’t be offended as it displays an interest in them.  With a name like Orrin, I have had to repeat my name many times, but I was always impressed when someone took the time to get my name right.  The best way to do this is to say it several times during the conversation, complimenting them by your care to remember their name, and, through repetition, storing it into memory.

One of the quickest ways to display an interest in others is to listen to them.  Stephen Covey titled it, “seek first to understand, then be understood.”  You have two ears and one mouth, let’s use them in that proportion.  I find that I learn much more when I listen, rather than talk. I believe you will discover this too.  Ask questions and then listen.  What questions you ask?  Why not start with the FOR method – Family, Occupation, and Recreation? These are great starter questions to get someone talking about themselves, helping you learn more about them.  For example, if you just met John and he is a dentist, ask, “John, how did you get into the dental field?”  I love hearing the stories develop after that question.  Whether is was a parent who encouraged them, a friend in the field, or a dream from childhood, it’s fascinating to learn people’s stories.  All stories have a dream, struggle, victory component, and as I listen, I am listening for the key struggles that were overcome.  Afterwards, I can point out to them how they played like a champion, finishing what they started.   Usually, during the discussion, the new friend will pause, realizing that he has been doing most of the talking, and will probably need encouragement to continue.  Remember, he is used to people only talking, not listening, so he is probably wondering what is wrong with you.

Cultivate listening into one of your most developed skills.  A genuine interest in others will come through in your conversations, taking listening to the highest level of active listening.  Active listening is the key to help others feel comfortable talking while intently listening.  Stay focused on them, looking them in the eyes, nodding with understanding, empathizing with the success story being shared.  In order to learn more of the dream, struggle, victory life story, you may need to ask questions during the active listening process.  Questions like: “Really, why is that?”; “Serious?”; “What kept you going?”;  “And then what happened?”; “No kidding?”; “That’s amazing!”; “Unbelievable”; How did you keep going?”, and many other short comments to inspire other to talk while you actively listen. I know, this isn’t rocket science, but listening skills are the most effective and underutilized people skill. I want to ensure everyone understands the importance of drawing others out, as nothing bonds people to you as quickly as active listening does, since nothing compliments a person more than taking a genuine interest in them.  I have found over the years that I have learned much more by listening to others, and, when I was ready to talk, I had their undivided attention.  I like to learn from experience, but if I listen well, I can learn from others experience also, not having to repeat the same lesson that others have taken for me.   By listening to others, you learn from experience – their experiences, saving you time and money.  To sum up, applying active listening skills, when you meet others, displays a genuine interest in them, paying a huge compliment by listening and learning valuable lessons along the way.

The third principle in developing true friendship is finding value in others.  Before people will find value in you, they typically must first feel valued by you.  This can create a chicken and the egg scenario where each person is waiting for the other to value them.  I have witnessed so many discussions where each person attempts to one up the other by rolling out his list of achievements.  Instead, let the person share their achievements and be truly impressed.  By giving relationship oxygen to the other side, they can breathe easier and listen after you have valued them. Let’s stop the crazy cycle by valuing others first, it cost nothing (unless your self pride is more important than others self worth), but it pays huge dividends.  How does one find value in others?  Les Giblin, the author of How to Have Confidence and Power with People, give the Triple A formula that is pure gold in relationships: Accept, Approve, and Appreciate.  I encourage you to read over and over again, Chapter 6 of Giblin’s book covering the three A’s.  It really is that good!  Let me share an overview of the Triple A formula here to help define the terms and start the learning process.

Acceptance from one human being to another creates peace, allowing one to relax and open up.  When someone is constantly judging everything said and done, it doesn’t allow the other person to relax, making friendship nearly impossible.  Acceptance does not mean you approve of everything that the person does, but you will never influence anyone that you don’t accept as a human being first.  I have found, that only after accepting the person as they are, that it frees them up to become what they want to be.  A mentor’s acceptance brings peace and joy, allowing the other person some breathing space to develop personally.  Acceptance to the soul is like food for the body, giving people nourishment, providing energy for further improvement. By accepting people as they are, they start desiring further food, creating a process of growth, nurtured along by your acceptance of them.  Most people get this wrong, thinking they cannot accept someone until they do everything right.  The problem with this is that no one does everything right, leaving all of us unaccepted, if everyone thought this way.  All of us need to grow, I certainly know that I do, but when people accept me for the way I am, this gives me the soul nourishment to keep moving on.  Since we have a full time project in working to improve ourselves, we should judge lightly the faults of others.  How many people in your life are you feeding with acceptance?

Approval moves beyond acceptance of the person into approval of specific actions and talents.  While acceptance is more an absence of negatives, approval is the recognition of a person’s positives.  In the Triple A formula spelled out in Giblin’s book, I view acceptance as the appetizer, approval as the main dish, and appreciation as the dessert, in the buffet for the human soul.  In order to approve someone, you must be looking for the attributes that you respect and admire in others.  I believe the reason most people do not take the time to approve of others is because they are too busy seeking acceptance, approval and appreciation for themselves.  When you can get over yourself, you will be in a much better position to help others get over themselves.  Focus everyday, on pointing out to those closest to you, the things that you respect and admire about them.  Approval is like oil in an engine, making everything run smoother with less friction.  Interestingly, approval has more of an impact, when the approval is in a less than obvious attribute.  For example, pointing out to a professional car racer that you admire the way he drives won’t have the same impact as pointing out you admire his relationship with his children.  Be a professional observer of excellence in others, and then point it out!  Most, so preoccupied with themselves won’t observe, but even if you do observe, it only reaches the other person by sharing your positive observations. What is the point of observing without sharing?  How many people are you approving in your life?

Appreciation is the dessert in relationship foods for the soul.  When you appreciate someone, you communicate to them that they are special to you, not just another face in the crowd.  Appreciate is the opposite of depreciate.  When something depreciates, it loses its value; but when something appreciates, it gains in value.  Are you appreciating those closest to you?  Are you increasing the value of your friends and family by appreciating them?  Little things make all the difference here.  When you set an appointment, be on time as that communicates you value the other person.  Another is to thank people personally for a job well done.  Single out what you appreciate about them as a person and in their work, making them feel special and separated from the crowd.  If you really want to appreciate others, then share all the good you can about them to others.  When others do great work, share your appreciation, not just with them, but to everyone that they know.  This is the proper use of talking behind someone else’s back, all the good that you know about them.  Everyone wants to feel accepted, approved, and appreciated, sadly most people believe condemning, criticizing, and complaining will help to change people, but nothing could be further from the truth.  You catch more bees with honey than you ever will with vinegar, so put away the vinegar for good, and start attracting people to you through the Giblin’s Triple A formula.

The fourth principle to build lifelong friendships is building a shared vision of the future.  Friendships are based upon shared experiences, the more positive experiences that people share together, the more friendships are strengthened.  Conversely, when friends lack a common vision, they lose shared experiences and eventually lose the bonds that drew them together in the first place.  All of us have had friends from high school that didn’t continue, having lost the common vision (geting out of school), and the shared experiences.  Lifetime friends are different, they are built upon common visions that last longer than the high school or job where they met.  My lifetime friends all have strengths and weaknesses (just as I do), but friends magnify each others strengths, while protecting each others weaknesses.  Few people think through why they have the friends that they have, but essentially, friends build social communities, providing value to each other by leveraging each others strengths and enjoying each others company.  In other words, the friends that you have, you have because you admire certain strengths that they possess, enhancing your life by the strengths in their life.  In the same way, your strengths increase your friends enjoyment and success on their journey of life. Shared visions, shared experiences, shared strengths while protecting weaknesses, forms the recipe for long lasting enjoyment for both parties in life long friendships.

But in life, struggles will occur, blurring the common vision.  Friends will need empathy from one another to endure the hardships thrown at them.  When a friend is hurting, its important to be there for them, listening to his situation, understanding his pain, empathizing with him, while redirecting his focus to solutions. Friends must learn to reframe the struggles in each others lives, giving a better perspective to help friends endure.  When friends fall into a pit, it’s your responsibility to help them find the way out. A true friend empathizes with, but never sympathizes with their friends struggles.  Meaning, friends will feel each others pain, but not jump into the pit with each other.  Instead, friends throw  ropes down into the pit to help their friends get out.  Listen, understand, empathize, but then reframe and help them move ahead.  All friends will go through challenges, but a true friend helps them see the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness.  Friends will remember that when the chicken hit the fan in their life, that you took the time to be there, creating bonds of friendship that will stand the test of time.  Friends who help each other in times of need are rare, so hold onto these friends.  I count a person’s real wealth to be in the quality of friends developed, not monetary net worth developed. Are you a priceless friend to your friends?

Fidelity to the reputation and character of one’s friends is another key principle in enduring friendships.   What is friendship if it isn’t loyal to one another when needed?  Loyalty to friends doesn’t mean, my friend right or wrong, but it does mean my friend, let’s help him do right.  A true friend doesn’t exit the scene when life gets tough, rather, he enters more boldly to help out.  Fair weather friends are not really friends at all.  It takes real courage to stick by people when they’re dealt painful cards in life, but that’s exactly when true friend are needed.   When someone hurts a friend, they hurt all his friends as friends stick together.  In this situation, friends must rally together to focus on resolving the dispute between friends.  If your friend is following the conflict resolution principles, but the other side isn’t, then the other side will know they have violated your friendship as well.  Conversely, if your friend is not following conflict resolution guidelines, you must sit down in love and loyalty and speak truth to them with the hope that both sides will follow the appropriate principles.  Friends have a responsibility to be loyal to their friends, abandoning a friendship only when a friend abandons truth repeatedly, creating a situation where defending your friend would put you on the side of untruth.  Even in this situation, I let my former friend know that restoration is possible when truth is restored in his life and our relationship. Loyalty, fidelity and honor are not used much in today’s society, but life long friendships must be based upon them.  In my opinion, next to truth itself, loyalty is the most valued principle in a true friendship, forming the glue that holds friendships together during the storms of life.

Lastly, friends celebrate each others victories together.  Can you be as excited for a friends victory as you are your own?  This is essential for true friendships as friends should be each others greatest cheerleaders.  Friends are not jealous of one another, nor suffer from envy, but do all they can to lift their friends up.  Friends aren’t competitors, but huge fans and encouragers of one another.  Why wouldn’t you celebrate when a friend succeeds at any worthy endeavor?  A friends victory lifts the tide for everyone surrounding them.  Friends dream together, laugh together, struggle together, have victories together, and celebrate together.  Be the biggest cheerleader of your friends successes.  Let your friends know how much you admire their strengths, sharing your thankfulness to be part of their lives. This will form bonds of loyalty, letting your friends know that you are proud of their successes, and proud to be their friend.  Friends lift one another up when they are together, but also are the biggest cheerleaders of each other when they aren’t together as well.  Be the type of friend, who cheers their accomplishments behind their backs, sharing all the good that you know about them.  No one is an island unto themselves, having friends who cheer one another’s successes is essential in making life meaningful and fruitful.

True friendship is a lost art in today’s “Me” generation, but that only increases the value of a friend when you really find one.  The best way to find friends of this caliber is to be one to others.  In life, if someone identifies a couple of friends of this quality, then he is a blessed man.  Make a personal commitment to give more to each relationship than you receive.  This is much tougher to do in practice when you find true friends as they are focusing on giving more than they receive.  Friendship brings so much joy into life and should be cultivated daily.  Conversely, damaged relationships bring so much pain to life, and should be resolved quickly.  The older I get, the more I realize that my real wealth is in my faith, family, and friends, making me more conscious to nurture the relationships that have brought so much joy into my life.  In today’s world of feckless and fickle friends, give to others a friendship based upon fidelity and faithfulness. God Bless, Orrin Woodward