Over the years, I have, through reading books and studying great leaders, developed a five step pattern to resolve conflict.  Conflict will occur, whether its addressed and resolved, or not addressed and festering is up to the leaders in the community. I know of no other process that leaders can apply to their communities that will yield as positive a result as mastering the conflict resolution process.  Conversely, I know of no other way to as quickly destroy a community as conflict aversion.   The five step process will only work when both parties want to resolve the conflict, which, surprisingly, isn’t a given today.  If both parties are not sold out to the idea that the relationship is more important than the conflict, then no amount of effort from one party will resolve the issue.  It takes two or more to get into conflict and it takes the same parties to resolve it.  Relationships can bring so much joy into a persons life, sadly, damaged relationship can bring so much heartache into a person’s life.  Mastering the ability to resolve conflict quickly, without letting it fester, will improve your relationship and leadership influence.  To resolve any conflict, we must assume that both parties desire resolution, willing to sit down in person, meaning a face to face meeting to discuss.  This is a major point in resolving any conflict as one cannot pick up the unspoken queues of body language over the phone, through email, etc. If both parties will not agree to sit down, then, most likely, one of the parties no longer values the relationship enough to expend the time and effort. With these background agreements in place, here is the five step pattern to resolve conflict:

1. Affirm the Relationship – I am here because I value your friendship more than I value the discomfort of confronting my hurt feelings.
2. Seek to Understand – Covey’s thoughts on listening are worth their weight in gold, teaching one to seek the others persons feelings, thoughts and perspectives first.
3. Seek to be Understood – After understanding, share one’s feelings, thoughts and perspectives, not in an attacking mood, but in an effort for other party to see one’s views.
4. Own Responsibility by Apologizing – Seek to see where any, if not all of the conflict is one’s responsibility, learning to respond differently in the future.  A genuine apology not only affirms the relationship but can do wonders in releasing hurt feelings.
5. Seek Agreement – After both parties have apologized, accepting responsibility for their parts in the conflict, seeking agreement means re-uniting on the common vision that drew both sides together in the first place, agreeing that the cause is bigger then the conflict is for both parties.

Let’s review each of the five steps, learning the process to strengthen relationships through each misunderstanding, instead of, losing relationships each time a misunderstanding arises.  The first step is to affirm the relationship before diving into the details.  An example opening statement to start the process of resolution, “I am here, even though it’s uncomfortable, because I value our relationship, and would rather be uncomfortable resolving our misunderstandings than comfortable with misunderstanding in our relationship”  If you think about it, one must value the relationship to sit down, because if one didn’t value the relationship, then why sit down for conflict resolution at all?  Let the other party know why you are sitting down, stressing the importance the other party has played in your life, even asking for prayer to start the process, if both parties are amenable to that.  The goal of the beginning affirmations by both parties, is to validate the other person as a human being and a valued relationship.   When hurtful issues come up  later in the process, both sides should understand that the goals isn’t to attack the person, but only address the issues.  People are affirmed, while issues are addressed and adjustments in behaviors made to restore, if not strengthen the relationships.

The second step of the process is to seek understanding from the others person’s vantage point.  This is a critical step in the process.  The goal should be to listen intently, seeking to see the conflict from the others view, not justifying one’s positions.  Let the other party know that you are here to listen and understand what happened from his or her perspective, giving freedom to the other party to share feelings, hurts, and thoughts so you can expand your insights into how the conflict initiated, thinking solutions to ensure better conduct in the future.  By letting the other party unburden themselves, not taking the words personally, but taking them professionally, remembering that hurting people can hurt people, one frees the other party from the bitterness building within.  Only after listening to the other party, asking questions to clarify and understand, seeking not to defend one’s actions, but only to clearly state the other party’s position, expressing concern over the pain caused by the conflict, is one ready to move to the next step.  Even though hurting others may not have been one’s intention, it usually is the reality which should create an empathic spirit before one shares his or her side of the issues.  Many times, the hurt is over an expectation not met by one or both parties.  Expectations, not clearly spelled out in a relationship, can lead to hurts over expectation not met.  Better communication reduces false expectations and the subsequent conflict surrounding them.  After listening, one should state back to the other person the concerns addressed, affirming them by summarizing the views expressed, displaying the value placed on the others thoughts and feelings. Genuinely listening to another person is one of the most affirming things that you can do to build people and release misunderstandings.

The third step in the process is to seek to be understood.  By this point, you have affirmed the other person by words, by listening, and by taking the time to sit down, only now should one share lovingly the issues from one’s perspective.  Hopefully, by affirming the other party, making deposits into the love/respect tank of the other party, they will listen intently to one’s feelings, hurts, and thoughts.  The goal is not to blast the other person, but to address the issues, sharing where, in the future, things can be handled differently.  Remember, resolution is the object, not justification.  One must bring up the issues, but one should not assign motives to the other party.  For example, one might state that the other party neglected to call, but when one states that they did so on purpose, one is leaving the real of humanity and entering into the realm of God, because God only knows the motives of others, certainly not us.  In fact, it’s hard enough to comprehend our own motives, let alone, claiming to know the motives of others.  Share the tough issues without being dogmatic, meaning not saying – you always, you never, etc.  Give the other party as many benefits of the doubt as possible. The Bible states, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”  In most cases, if the other party has been affirmed, listened to, and loved, the willingness to accept some responsibility for the conflict is increased, making resolution possible.  If you focus on incorrect behaviors and actions, rather than incorrect people and motives, your chances of resolution are enhanced greatly.

The fourth step is to own as much of the conflict as possible within the realm of truth.  Leaders search for ways to be responsible while protecting the egos of the other party.  Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to be in conflict.  The objective, for both parties , is to see where their actions caused pain to the other side, leading to apologies and a restored relationship.  Why is it so hard for people to apologize for actions hurtful to others?  Many people, even though they know that they are not perfect, refuse to apologize to others, leaving a trail of broken relationships in their wake.  But every leader learns that a genuine apology creates more good will than a thousand justifications will ever do.  Since we all know that we aren’t perfect, also knowing that others know that we aren’t perfect, what is so hard with apologizing and admitting what everyone knows anyway?  The higher that one climbs the leadership ladder, the more that one has to apologize to others, simply because, leaders juggle many things at the same time, leading to some being dropped accidentally.  One must learn to apologize properly to others, coming from your heart, not just your lips.  But leaders, also, must learn to accept apologies from others, harboring no ill feelings moving forward.  As Alexander Pope, the great English writer, wrote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.”  Leaders will err, leading to sincere apologies.  Leaders will be hurt by others, leading to sincere forgiveness offered to others apologies.  If two people genuinely value their relationship, willingly following the five step pattern for resolution, apologizing where they have erred, then restoration is nearly a given.

The fifth and final step in the process is to seek agreement in roles and responsibilities as the partner in the future.  Both parties have been affirmed, both sides have been heard, apologies have been made where appropriate, and now agreement for the need to unify is confirmed.  The issues, having been flushed from the relationship, leave only the bonds of love and unity remaining.  Seeking agreement conveys the strengths of both parties in accomplishing the communities objectives, affirming again the value of both parties working together for the common good.  The vision of the community aligns the task of each person together, creating a unity in the team, generating results much easier by the interdependence amongst the leaders.  Agreement between the leaders is a form of ‘buy in’, making both leaders desire unity in the team to accomplish a mission bigger than either one of them.  Conflict between them is now in the past, a restored unity, leading to greater accomplishments, is in the future.  Unity in a community, creates harmony and results, while conversely, lack of unity in a community, creates disharmony and decline. Leaders understand that conflict is a given, but resolution is a choice.  Communities who choose to follow the five steps of conflict resolution will enjoy the strength of unity propelling them to uncommon results in the community’s quest. Like I said at the beginning of this discussion, in my twenty plus years of leadership training, I know of no other single strategy, that will hold a team together as well as mastering the five step process of conflict resolution. God Bless, Orrin Woodward

The more animals in the barn, the more ‘doodoo’ to deal with.

One of the most important skills for leaders, but sadly, one of the most misunderstood and rarely used, a lack that leaves most people with only a fraction of the influence deserved, is conflict resolution. Whether building a tribe for business, a volunteer organization for charity, a church community, or any other group of people, the ability to resolve conflict is essential. Think of any successful city, they have developed specific processes to handle garbage successfully.  From gathering garbage, to shipping it out, burning in an incinerator, or placing into a land fill, all villages plan for garbage and the resolution of it.  Can you imagine what a city would look like if it didn’t have a specific plan to handle garbage?  In the same way, every leader must have a plan to handle conflict (garbage) in his or her organization, resolving it at the source, strengthening the relationships through a better understanding of the expectations on both sides.  Conflict is like a fire, easier to snuff out when it’s small, but nearly impossible to handle when not dealt with quickly.  Imagine going to bed at night, glancing into the corner, you notice a small flame flickering; but, deciding to ignore it, you go to bed, thinking you will address it in the morning.  Probably not a good plan if you like your house.  Just as, not addressing conflict, is not a good plan, if you would like to maintain your relationships.  A famous bumper sticker read, and I am going to paraphrase for younger ears, “Doodoo Occurs.”  ‘Doodoo’ will occur in all of your relationships.  It’s a given, because we are all imperfect human beings.  There is no such thing as a ‘no maintenance’ relationship, so how one maintains key relationships is  critical in one’s ability to lead.

Hurt feelings, which lead to conflict, start when one’s expectations of another person’s responsibilities and commitments are left unfulfilled.  This can happen for many reasons, some as innocent as a lack of communication about one’s expectation.  Meaning, that its hard to fulfill a commitment that one is unaware they are committed to.  For example, if I was expected to pick up my wife at 5 pm and go to dinner, it would probably help if I knew that was the plan.  It would be easy for me to miss this responsibility, if I did not clearly understand this was the plan.  Personally, I have lost count of the number of times that people were hurt over expectations not clearly delineated.  Expectations are taught through the cultures formed in each community, but also through conversations between individual members.  When expectations are not fulfilled, an essential principle is to not assume the worst in others behaviors.  Perhaps they just didn’t understand what the expectations were.  Sitting down quickly with the other party, lovingly addressing the situation, and apologizing for your role in mix up, will do wonders in restoring the bonds of friendship, strengthening the speed of trust in your relationships.  Everyone in the community is responsible to convey the mutual expectations in each relationship. Improved communication will nip conflict at its source,  reducing issues to deal with, since most people want to perform up to the expectations of others.

But even when the expectations are spelled out, conflict will still happen,  We are human beings, capable of so much good, but also, imperfect, impetuous, unreasonable, not to mention over-emotional at times. The Bible states, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”  Love in a community is the bond that holds relationship together when disappointments occur.  Only a coward will dwell on his hurts, running the hurts over and over again in their mind, like an never ending instant replay, while avoiding the only person able to salve his wound.  Cowards prefer their hurt feelings over a restored relationship.  As the old saying goes, “Bitterness and resentment is like drinking poison expecting someone else to die.”  Don’t get bitter, but do get braver, brave enough to sit down with the other person, seeking to understand why the expectations on both sides are unfulfilled.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, moving into how to resolve conflict, until we understand a few of the major ‘relationship bombs’ to avoid in any conflict.  Improper conflict resolution can take a small issue, one easily resolved in a couple of hours, and, through the violation of the principles ruin life long friendships; simply because, the offended party preferred to nurse the hurt rather than nurture the relationship. How sad for both parties, not to mention the community, suffering from the residual damage associated with the immature actions from one, if not both, parties.

Let me address a few ‘relationship bombs’ that are sure to damage, if not ruin relationships.  These bombs must be removed permanently from your arsenal of leadership tools. The are not healthy, productive, or God-centered.  Any community committing to eliminate ‘relationship bombs’ will thrive in today’s bomb throwing world.  However, if the culture of a community approves relationship bombing, restorations become more difficult and the required apologies much deeper if restoration is to be made.  Here are several ‘relationship bombs’ to avoid: the first, dwelling on hurts without addressing to the appropriate party; the second, gossiping to others while unwilling to discuss with the other party.  There are multiple factors in each ‘relationship bomb, so let’s evaluate them, learning which areas to focus on for improvement.

The first ‘relationship bomb’ is when a person, hurting by another person’s actions, instead of addressing the other person, chooses to nurse the hurt, building bitterness and resentment, while the other person remains clueless of the brewing conflict.  Every person must make it a rule for themselves, that, if they think about a hurt more than once, meaning they cannot forgive it the first time, then they need to address as soon as humanly possible with the other party directly. But not in a spirit of attacking, instead, in a spirit of understanding.  Too often, it seems that the offended party, by judging others actions, plays God, assigning malicious motives to others actions, without giving the others the benefit of the doubt.  It’s hard enough to determine your own motives, let alone omnisciently know the motives of others.  Stop playing God and start being a friend to others when in a conflict.  By assuming the best of intentions to the other party, one will find less bitterness, and more a spirit of conciliation, reflecting less on the hurt and more on the time of fellowship with the troubled relationship.

A second factor that hinders conflict resolution is the near limitless ability of human beings to self deceive themselves.  Self deception allows one to place all the blame, all the responsibility and all the apologies to the other party, leaving themselves only with all the hurt.  Is it even possible for one side to be totally innocent while the other side completely to blame?  In order to combat self deception, pause before you judge, pray before you become bitter, think about the entire situation from the vantage point of the other participant, perhaps you did play a part.  Empathy is the ability to view the situation from the other person’s perspective, and it’s essential in combating self deception.  Empathy frees you let go of offenses by understanding the conflict from the other side of the table, replacing a judgmental spirit with a graceful forgiving spirit.  Think through the chain of events, asking yourself, “What could I have done differently?”  By making each conflict a ‘teachable moment”, one learns many lesson to apply in the future. The bigger the leader, the quicker he is to take responsibility, seeking resolution for the benefit of the entire community.  The leaders always apologizes first, focuses on the other person’s position, addressing the issue, but not attacking the person.

A third factor that reduces the chances of restoration is holding onto hurts to justify quitting the community or tribe.  If someone is too scared to make the changes confronting them, then many times, they will seek conflict, hoping to use the conflict as a justification for quitting the community.  For example, if someone isn’t growing personally, and is unwilling to endure the pain of changing, a common technique to reduce the angst, is to generate conflict.   Sometimes its at the subconscious level, but they create conflict to justify quitting, making the conflict, instead of unaddressed growth issues, as the reason for exiting, saying things like, “Well, so and so hurt me, how can I possibly continue?”  Of course, they won’t sit down and address the conflict, for fear that it may get resolved if they did that, thus eliminating their justification for quitting during the painful change process.  People looking for an excuse will avoid conflict resolution at all cost, or else, their humpty-dumpty justifications will fall to apart, never to be put back together again.  Make it a goal, to never be the reason another person quits your community.  Remember, hurting people hurt people, so conflict will happen.  But, instead of having a judging spirit, do your best to have a spirit of grace, empathizing with their fears of inadequacy until they realize their own potential.

The second ‘relationship bomb’ is endemic in our modern culture – gossip.  When conflict is not resolved, it doesn’t go away, but only goes underground.  Conflict will be talked about either way, if not with the people involved, then with everyone else not involved.  Gossip is used to justify one’s positions to others when they cannot be justified in a legitimate resolution process.  Sadly, more communities and tribes have been destroyed by this cowardly behavior than nearly any other single behavioral issue.   Gossip is one of the most cowardly, but also common behaviors known to mankind.  It happens when a party feels hurt, but is unwilling or unable to sit down with other party to resolve the conflict.  Because resolution has not occurred, one or both parties will seek to justify their position by character assassinating the other person’s actions and motives.  Sadly, this only hurts many innocent people who should never be privy to others dirty laundry.  Can you imagine showing your neighbors all your garbage in your house before bagging it up and throwing out?  Can you imagine your neighbor coming over and dumping garbage on your front lawn?  When someone comes to dump on you or when you plan on dumping on others, think to yourself, why are you involving others in the process unless they are part of the solution to bring both parties together.  Gossip destroys relationship, destroys trust and destroys reputations throughout a community.  Leaders must protect the reputations of others by closing the circle and not expanding it, seeking justification for their side of the conflict.  Anyone desiring a large community must master conflict resolution and teach it into the culture, having no patience for endless gossip.  If someone gossips to you, ask them, “Can I quote you on this?”  Let the gossiper know that you are taking this information directly to the person gossiped about.  This will do two key things.  One, it let’s people know that you are not a person who feeds gossip.  Second, when you go to harmed party, the one gossiped about, you build his trust by not keeping secrets, and ending the merry-go-round of gossip. Garbage must be cleaned out of a culture, not cultivated in it.

When gossip is allowed to fester in a community, reputations are destroyed.  Biblically, character assassinations are just one level removed from an actual assassination.  Do not play with this fire, put it out quickly, upholding the reputations of all involved, seeking to put on fires, not fan them.  I have been blessed with many long term relationships.  I think of my wife of eighteen years, my friendship with leaders like Chris Brady and George Guzzardo in business over fifteen years.  In this amount of time, do you think it’s possible that conflict may have sprung up in each of these relationship?  Of course, but by practicing the methods of conflict resolution, each of these relationships has become stronger with time, stronger, because each party refused to run to third parties to defend their positions, ruining the reputation of others for selfish justifications. Value your friends reputation more than you value your positions, protecting the relationship for the long term.  But if you value your position more than you value your friends, you begin to slide down the slippery slope of character assassination and conflict resolution procrastination.  The world is filled with people, who, unwilling to improve themselves, choose instead to tear down, making themselves feel higher by lowering others.  Refuse to play the game, rather, choose to be like the biggest leaders, who speak all the good they can of others.  The biggest leaders do speak behind others backs, but they speak only all the good things about others. Nothing builds trust like building others up, whether in their presence or with their friends and them absent.  When someone comes to you in an attempt to cast aspersion on another person’s character, your role shouldn’t be to take sides, but become a facilitator for restoration.  You may not have asked for the role, but when a leader is drawn into the circle by gossip, he becomes part of the solution, not part of the problem, telling people, either go back to the person and address alone, or both of us can go to the person and address.  This is the only two options since proper leadership  doesn’t gossip, but it does address and resolve. God Bless, Orrin Woodward

Here is an inspiring video that displays the type of friendship and loyalty that all of us should have with our friends.  Fair weather friends are a dime a dozen, but true friendship is built and maintained by a common set of principles and honor.  I have been blessed with long lasting friendships in my life that are my true wealth.  True friends are there when you are up and there when you are down.  Stephen Covey calls his leadership style principle centered leadership.  I believe that more people need to learn principle centered friendship.  I know life will at times deal you some bad cards, but if you are true to your principles then your true friends will stay true you.  I have seen many of my friends soar to incredible heights and have seen others struggle financially.  My friendship with them is not based upon their external results, but by their internal principles.  I love my friends because they live a life based upon the ideals espoused in their principles and a short term financial hardship would never change my love or respect.  Is that true of how you feel about your friends?  Friendships are glued together by the principles that you hold in common.  Friendships can be lost when the previous principles honored begin to change.  This happens when one person continues to grow and apply better principles in their life and another chooses to stagnate.  All of us have high school friends that were really close that might not be as close anymore.  Why?  You are no longer honoring the same principles in your lives.

This is why I love the MV Team community – our friendship is not based upon the points being generated, but, instead, on the consistency of the principles being applied into their lives.  The Team is a group of men and women who espouse and live (to the best of their ability) principles that we hold dear.  The community has, is, and always will be the key to building a strong and successful business.  All networks will produce new products, but the staying power of any network is in the links of friendships, loyalty and common principles, not products and money.  I am surprised at how many people miss this key point!  Like the old saying goes, “Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.”  Living according to the right principles makes a person lovely.  Here is how I would describe my friends – principle centered, encouragers, believers in others, character first, honor, selfless, team oriented, faithful, loyal.  I have never lived up to my ideals, not through lack of effort, but because my ideals are very high.  I pray that you set ideals for your life and become a friend to others worthy of emulation.  How would you rate yourself on the list of principles for true friendship?  Are you loyal to the men and women in your life who are loyal to the principles that you share in common?  

This video started me on this train of thought – would we be as loyal as Tara was to Bella?  Tara and Bella were best friends, but Tara displayed honor and loyalty by her vigil for Bella.  Tara didn’t run out and get a new friend at the first sign that Bella was hurting.  In fact, she displayed her friendship more when Bella was in need.  Honor and loyalty are in short supply in the world and all of us suffer as a consequence.  We must choose to be the change that you wish to see in the world!  A person is truly blessed if they have friends like Bella has in Tara.  Be that blessing into someone else’s life!  I want to personally thank my friends for being friends like Tara.  God Bless, Orrin Woodward

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U&w=425&h=344]

I found a reference to the Gladstone & Disraeli anecdote in the following interview.  Warren Bennis was one of the first leadership authors I ever read.  I truly believe we can Launch a Leadership Revolution—my assignment is to provide the best thoughts from the best minds for us to contemplate and develop our leadership ability.  Here is the article:

David Gergen, editor-at-large of “U.S. News & World Report,” engages Warren Bennis, a professor of business administration at the University of Southern California, co-author of Organizing Genius: The Secrets of Creative Collaboration.

DAVID GERGEN: Warren, you write in your book that the day of the Lone Ranger is over; that the era of creative genius and what we’re going to accomplish creatively in the future is going to be a new one dominated by groups. What do you mean by that?

WARREN BENNIS, Co-Author, “Organizing Genius”: I think the problems facing us are so complicated that with globalization, galloping technology, and
that the idea of a John Wayne–marvelous as he was as an actor–is just going to make it in the new world. The problems are much too complex. Furthermore, it’s always been a group. If you look through history, even though we tend to lionize
the great man–as one of my students said, it was John Wayne who rode through my childhood, shaped my dreams of power and authority. It’s typically been a small group of thoughtful and committed people who have changed the world. When you ask people who painted the Sistine Chapel, what comes to most people’s minds, the correct answer is Michelangelo. But it was Michelangelo plus 13 terrific artists and a crew of 200 that did the Sistine Chapel. So all throughout history it’s been a group, a creative group.

DAVID GERGEN: We tend to think of Thomas Edison out there tinkering– 

WARREN BENNIS: I know. 

DAVID GERGEN: He had a great number of helpers.

WARREN BENNIS: He had a huge number of people whom he treated quite shabbily, so he kind of, you know, took the spotlight to himself.

DAVID GERGEN: What distinguishes a successful group, a great group–

WARREN BENNIS: A great group? 

DAVID GERGEN: –from one that’s not successful?

WARREN BENNIS: Well, I think the–I was talking engine–source of these groups is that they’re accomplishing something that they really believe, all of them, is going to change the world, that’s going to make a dent in the universe, whether it’s Peter Schneider at the Walt Disney Studios who thinks the next film they’re going to make is the “Hunchback of Notre Dame” or the “Lion King” is just a different way of animating it, or I guess if the paradigmatic group in the book is really the “Manhattan Project.” Imagine, you’re J. Robert Oppenheimer in 1943, with the free world in balance, and your task is to create a nuclear device before the Japanese or Germans do it, so all of these groups felt that they were on a mission from God. In other words, they had a sense of spirit. They–one of them called it his great group of spiritual project. An animator at Walt Disney said, why do I work 80-hour weeks, because I think somehow I’ll find that damn Holy Grail; they can make a dent in the universe. So that all of these groups had a sense of meaning, of spirit, that they could really do something that no one else has ever done, so that this isn’t just your ordinary company vision, you know, which to a lot of people is banal or vapid. But these are groups that all had a sense of true meaning that they’re going to do something that no one else in the world has ever accomplished.

DAVID GERGEN: They also seem to have deadlines.

WARREN BENNIS: Yes, they had that. I should put it differently. At the heart of every great group is a dream, but it’s a dream with a deadline. Great groups, as I wrote about, ship. They get something out, whether it’s a campaign, whether it’s a movie, whether it’s a nuclear device. They all have some–a thingness, if I could. They’re putting out something, not just a lot of talk.

DAVID GERGEN: Steve Jobs and Apple. 

WARREN BENNIS: For example. 

DAVID GERGEN: You’ve got to get your product out. You’ve got to have a dream, but at the end of the day you’ve got to get a product out.

WARREN BENNIS: Right.

DAVID GERGEN: The other thing was that these great groups seem to be young. I had never understood till I read your book at the Manhattan Project, the scientists there, the average age 25 years old. 

WARREN BENNIS: Can you imagine that? I know. Yeah. I hesitate to talk about youth, having turned 72 last week, but–and when I talk a bit about the book to people whose hair is my color, but I do think there’s something about–there’s a certain innocence, a certain sense of not knowing what’s impossible.

DAVID GERGEN: And what you call delusional confidence.

WARREN BENNIS: It’s sort of a reality distortion field, unwarranted optimism, a sense of they can do something. And they don’t know what they don’t know.

DAVID GERGEN: Right. And the other thing I found so interesting, because I did find your–the “Manhattan Project” the paradigm, as you called it, the notion of making sure people in the group, the works in the group, that they think their work is meaningful. The anecdotes that you had about Richard Feinman, the physicist.

WARREN BENNIS: Yeah. They want all these technicians and engineers highly trained, college graduates, and they do sort of calculating work without the computers.

DAVID GERGEN: Bring it into Los Alamos.

WARREN BENNIS: Sort of doing–bringing it to Los Alamos, a godforsaken place, and they were doing just sort of minor calculations here, which were very boring. These were all very bright people. They didn’t know why they were doing it. They were brought their total secrecy. Finally, that young physicist, irreverent, outspoken, said to Dr. Oppenheimer, said, I’ve got to tell these people what they’re working on, because right now they’re just sort of like making little–they have no idea.

DAVID GERGEN: They have no idea about the atom bomb.

WARREN BENNIS: At all, total secrecy. So finally, J. Oppenheimer agreed and had seminars explaining to them not only the meaning of this, what they were doing–the free world was in balance–but also the significance of getting it before the Japanese or the Germans get it. And overnight, according to him, it was a miracle he said. These people began working eighteen-twenty hour days. They knew what they were involved in. Not only did Oppenheimer tell them what the bomb was about but also the physics, the theoretical aspects of it, so they were involved, and he said it was–and finally his words were total transformation. Talk about energizing, animating a group. If people know what the significance of what they’re doing is, I think a lot of people who right now working in boring, dull jobs can, you know, get a new lease on life.

DAVID GERGEN: You’ve written a lot of books about leadership. What is the role of the leader in these groups, the great groups?

WARREN BENNIS: They smell talent. They’re able to hire people, bring people in better than they were. They had–even Oppenheimer before Rolodex had a Rolodex of the best theoretical physicists, nuclear physicists in the world. And he was able to recruit meticulously, so the first, and then secondly to orchestrate this talent, not just to pile a lot of good bodies together. That doesn’t make a great group. But you’ve got to bring together a group of people as Peter Schneider, again, of Disney Studios, the animation studio, said, you’ve got to bring people together who want to play together in the sand box. That’s–the third thing is you’ve got to–you’re not the creator; you’re not necessarily the brightest or the best. You are the curator. You’re not the Fred Astaire on the stage of the Frank Sinatra, but you have created the social architecture that creates the Astaires and the Sinatras doing their best. And the best single anecdote I can give you is about two 19th century English prime ministers, Gladstone and Disraeli, and it was said about Gladstone, Prime Minister Gladstone, that when you had dinner with him, you thought that he was the world’s brightest, wittiest, most charming man you’ve ever met. But when you had dinner with Disraeli, you felt that you were the smartest, the wittiest, the most charming person you’ve ever met. These people inspire. Now, Oppenheimer, take the Manhattan Project, you know, there were seven future Nobel Laureates working for him. They were clearly in a way made more contribution to theoretical physics than he ever did, bright as he was.

DAVID GERGEN: Critical to leadership of an organization, a corporation, is creating trust between the leader and the followers. How much of a challenge is that in an era of downsizing?

WARREN BENNIS: Big, major. I gave a talk recently on, you know, my notions of leadership and empowerment and trust, et cetera, to a group of high potential executives, Fortune 100 company, and after I was through, they said, you know, Dr. Bennis, what you said is absolutely true, but tomorrow there could be a pink slip on my desk. So trust is the major issue facing most institutions right now, generating and sustaining trust. And it’s so difficult. And the only–you know, they can give you a lot of background on trust, you know, talk about constancy and competence, and integrity, and all that, but the major thing is authenticity and to really feel comfortable with your own skin. A leader like Rabin, who had no, you know, social graces of many–politicians had that sense of authenticity. So I think trust–without trust, I don’t think you can have a great group or great organization or lead a great nation state.

DAVID GERGEN: Warren Bennis, thank you very much.

WARREN BENNIS: Thank you, David.

I loved this post by Matt Franks so much that I have decided to make it an article for all to see!  I think I will take my favorite comment of the week
and generate an entire post from it.  Please keep the great thoughts coming!
Today’s post is on treating others with dignity and respect.  I have experienced some egotistical managers on life’s journey and am disgusted by the way they view and treat people.  We all must serve and encourage others like Matt is displaying wherever he goes.  I will save the full treatment for a future post, but let me give you a preview to open Matt’s servant based leadership behavior. 

Let me share a story I wrote about two great Prime Ministers of Victorian England.  The general facts of the personalities of Gladstone and Disraeli are true, but I have taken artistic liberty to add other characters for suspense and development of the points.  

There is a 19^th century story told about and older British woman who had the rare opportunity to have separate lunches with the two most famous living Englishmen of the era: William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli.  Both had been Prime Ministers of England several times.  Both were men of strong character, convictions and decisive leaders.  A young reporter tracked down the fortunate Victorian lady and requested an interview.  The reporter asked her questions about her lunches to determine what the two legendary PM’s were like as persons.  After asking questions like: “What did you discuss?”, “What did he eat?”, and “What were his thoughts on the political scene?” the reporter was wrapping up his interview and contemplating his story in tomorrow’s paper.  He had only one more question for the patient woman, “Which Prime Minister did you enjoy lunch with more?”  She thought for a moment and then a bright smile covered her face.  “When I went to lunch with William Gladstone,” she shared, “I was convinced that I was dining with the greatest living Englishmen!”  The reporter quickly scribbled down his thoughts and thinking the lady had finished was getting up to leave—not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable that she had chosen William Gladstone over Benjamin Disraeli.  As he was thanking her for her time, she politely told him she was not finished.  “When I went to lunch with Benjamin Disraeli,” she enthused, “I was convinced that he was dining with the greatest living Englishwoman!”   As the reporter was leaving, he vowed to never forget the beaming smile that had transformed the elderly ladies presence.  “Yes,” he thought, “it is nice to feel important and capable of impressing others by discussing eloquently on the many subjects of your choice.  But others will remember you on how nice it was to feel important to you and capable of impressing you by your attentive listening on the many subjects of their
choice.”

Quote: “You can tell how “big” the person is by the way they treat the “little” person.

Orrin, 

I love your 2 quotes! Very thought provoking! Hey I hope the book
signing went well in Michigan! This weekend I had an interesting
experience that I thought might fit into the title of your lesson especially
around responsibilities. It was an experience that I will never forget and
something I couldn’t wait to share with everyone! It reminded me about my
responsibility, as a growing leader, to always be a lifter for other people. 

For me, as I described in a few posts back, I have a responsibility to develop my God given potential and practice my personal “daily dozen” everyday. Why? I believe that my gifts and abilities are God’s gift to me and what I do with those gifts is my gift back to God! One of the practices I try to do daily is add value to people I have never met before. Whether it is opening up doors for others, saying hi, or striking up a conversation to learn about them I just want to add value to others. In other words I just follow the Golden Rule that is taught to all of us in the Bible: “Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.”

Of all places, my experience happened at a Wal-Mart with a 70 year old lady who was a cashier. 🙂 I was checking out in line and just struck up a conversation with this cashier and she worked there because her husband passed away and she needed to earn an income since her retirement was not very good. Anyways to make a long story short one of the items I purchased was 2 packages of Extra chewing gum. When she was done tallying up what I owed her she said “I charged you for 3 packages of gum instead of 2.” Then she burst into tears! I said “What is wrong? Is there anything I can help you with?” She said “about 5 minutes ago I did the same thing to someone else and he told me I was so ignorant that I shouldn’t even work at Wal-Mart. I am sorry if I made you upset.” I told her “ma’am I have shopped at many Wal-Mart’s during my lifetime, but I have never met someone as kind as you. You are a person of worth! I have watched you serve the previous 2 customers and I wish every store I went into had someone like you working the register!” I was in awe that a $1.99 mistake made this experience happen! She
said “the only person that ever said that to me was my husband, but since he
died no one has paid me a compliment like that before.” Can you believe that
someone made this woman feel so low for a $1.99 package of gum?!!!!! Anyways I went and got another package of gum off the shelf since I paid for it and then came back to show this wonderful cashier that it was OK. She held my bags and gave them back to me before I walked out the door. Then she said something to me that I will never forget. She gave me a hug and said “I know God has great things in store for you. Thank you for valuing me as a person and not seeing me as “just a cashier.” Like I said earlier this was at a Wal-Mart! I went out to my car and just sat stunned because I couldn’t believe that experience just happened. It was something I will never forget and know now how important it is to carry out the responsibility of treating everyone with love and respect.

That is why the stakes of leadership are so high! You see when opportunity comes, as we all know, it is too late to prepare. I am very thankful because of my continued leadership learning through TEAM and other leadership organizations I was prepared to add value to someone that just got de-valued by someone else. This experience teaches me that no matter who we ever talk to or run into, God brings us to that moment for a specific reason, but it is our responsibility to be lifters to all people not just a select few! However in order to be a lifter in other people’s lives we have got to check our EGO at the door! Back off and stop taking yourself too seriously, because you can’t help anyone if you are only concerned with helping yourself! I must say though if I would have seen that man treat the cashier the way he did I might have been asking for forgiveness! 🙂

There are so many people that everyday are de-valued or de-edified by Egotistical and our jobs as leaders is to see others not as they are, but see them as they could become. It is our responsibility to see the good in other people and tell them how those great qualities will serve others well.

Thanks Orrin!

Best,

Matt

Assignment:  Are you making others feel important?  In what specific
ways do you make others feel accepted, approved and appreciated?

I am re-reading a fantastic book I read several years back called The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.  I believe the Team is at a tipping point and is about to explode and go mainstream.  Gladwell calls a community tipping point a social epidemic and states that there is only a small percentage (5%) who create it.  Gladwell documents three traits that cause an epidemic: contagiousness, little causes having big effects, and changes happening not
gradually but at one dramatic moment.  The third trait is called a tipping point.  There are three types of people involved in a social epidemic: Connectors, Mavens and Salesmen.  Any business that expects to grow must focus on serving these three crucial catalysts—No business will survive long-term that mistreats these irreplaceable community influencers.  Malcolm states:

In a social epidemic, Mavens are data banks.  They provide the message.  Connectors are social glue: they spread it.  But there is also a select group of
people—Salesmen—with skills to persuade us when we are unconvinced of what we are hearing, and they are critical to the tipping of word-of-mouth epidemics as the other two groups.

To create a tipping point we need the thinking and actions of all three groups.  Not long ago, I attended a conference in Hawaii where I heard Mr. Gladwell speak live.  His concepts of the tipping point are mind expanding and ought to be read and understood by any company expecting to grow their market share.  Let’s read what Gladwell has to say about the three categories of people involved in tipping points.

Connectors

What makes someone a Connector?  The first—and most obvious—criterion is that Connectors know lots of people. . . Six degrees of freedom doesn’t mean everyone is linked to everyone else in just six steps.  It means that a very small number of people are linked to everyone else in a few steps, and the rest of us are linked to the world through those special few. . . . In fact, I go down my list of forty friends, thirty of them, in one way or another, lead back to Jacob.  My social circle is, in reality, not a circle.  It is a pyramid.  And at the top of the pyramid is a single person—Jacob—who is responsible for an overwhelming majority of the relationships that constitute my life. . . These people who link us up with the world, who bridge Omaha and Sharon, who introduce us to our social circles—these people on whom we rely more heavily than we realize—are Connectors, people with a special gift for bringing the world together. 

In the graph below, notice how Louise connects almost every other person.

Mavens

The word Maven comes from the Yiddish and  it means one who accumulates knowledge.  In recent years, economists have spent a great deal of time studying Mavens, for the obvious reason that if marketplaces depend on information, the people with the most information must be the most important.  For example, sometimes when a supermarket wants to increase sales of a given product, they’ll put a promotion sticker in front of it, saying something like “Everyday Low Price!”  The price will stay the same.  The product will just be featured more prominently.  When they do that, supermarkets find that invariably the sales of the product go through the roof,
the same way they would if the product had actually been put on sale. . .

But if we’ll buy more of something even if the price hasn’t been lowered, then what’s to stop supermarkets from never lowering their prices? . . . The answer is that although most of us don’t look at prices, every retailer knows that a very small number of people do, and if they find something amiss—a promotion that’s not really a promotion—they’ll do something about it.  If a store tried to
pull the sales stunt too often, these are the people who would figure it out and
complain to management and tell their friends and acquaintances to avoid the
store.  These are the people who keep the marketplace honest. . . One name for them is “price vigilantes.”  The other, more common, name for them is  “Market Mavens.”

Salesmen

Part of what it means to have a powerful or persuasive personality, then, is that you can draw others into your own rhythms and dictate the terms of the interaction. . . . I felt I was becoming synchronized with him. . . . But the essence of the Salesmen is that, on some level, they cannot be resisted.
“Tom can build a level of trust and rapport in five to ten minutes that most people will take a half an hour to do,” Moine says of Gau. . . What was
interesting about Gau is the extent to which he seemed to be persuasive in a way quite different from the content of his words.  He seems to have some kind of indefinable trait, something powerful and contagious and irresistible that goes beyond what comes out of his mouth, that makes people who meet him want to agree with him.  It’s energy.  It’s enthusiasm.  It’s charm.  It’s likability.  It’s all those things and yet something more. 

What role will you play in the tipping point of the Team leadership community?  Are you a Connector, Maven or Salesmen/Saleswomen?  Everyone plays a part on our way to 1 million and beyond!  Our communities deserve the best and it is our responsibility to develop our gifts and skills. We all have roles to play and promises to keep!
God Bless, Orrin Woodward